The Beast of Burden 

I know you’re waiting on answer…to what I’m going to do as far as surgery and such. I promise to get to that soon. The truth is, I’m still waiting on major pieces of the puzzle that aren’t quite fitting together yet. As soon as I know more, you will too. I promise.

If I you know me personally, you know I’m stubborn. Like get shit done, lose 100+ lbs, run my own business and half marathons, yet isolate myself because I don’t know how to ask for help, STUBBORN. This stubborness has been the Achilles Heel of my battle with chronic pain and degenerative Qdisease. It has kept me fighting for my health, working as a hairstylist/business owner, as well as taking care of my family. It has also triggered anxiety, loneliness and isolation. 

16 months into my #chronicpain journey, I’m finally figuring out how much I truly need support. I’m not good at asking for it because I’ve always been afraid of being a burden. Maybe it’s an oldest child thing? Maybe because I have always fallen into the role of caretaker, I don’t know how to ask to be cared for. Maybe it’s because I’m a Taurus? I am as bull headed, uncompromising, and rigid as they come…you don’t have to tell me twice, I KNOW. Whatever the reason, it’s taken me months of unintentionally pushing people away to finally see that it’s getting me NOWHERE. People care about me! They truly do. I always knew that, but I was afraid of becoming a sad story or pity party. How silly of me.

Of course I’ve been disappointed too. I’ve lost the interest of some friends and even family, because to be honest, I’m just not the same girl I once was. I don’t run for fun, I can’t party all night and I sure as heck don’t have the energy I once did. My “injury” or “illness” (I hate calling it that) has really shown me how loved I am, just as much as it has shown me what is truly important. It’s funny how strangers can become your strongest allies, and family can become strangers. 

Every day that I wake up in pain, without a solution or plan, I can either chose to feel like a powerless burden, or a unstoppable FIGHTER. Being told you have a chronic or incurable health issue sucks. That doesn’t make you a burden though, remember that! 

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