Doubting Lauren

Every once and awhile doubt gets the best of me. Who am I kidding, I struggle with doubt daily! The first bit of it was doubt in myself, especially in the beginning. With every clear blood test, x-ray and MRI, I doubted my pain. It didn’t help the my doctors were recommending I see a therapist. I wondered if this was all in my head, like a nervous breakdown or something. I thought I was just loosing my mind, but I knew I wasn’t. 

Then 4.5 months in, an orthopedic surgeon took the time to do a physical exam, testing my reflexes and poking around my lower spine, I finally got a diagnosis: Sacroiliac Joint Dysfunction. I was relived, but quickly began to question that too. What if the doctor was wrong? What if it was something else? Is SIJD even real? What if it was all in my head? 

After starting physical therapy with an SI and pelvic floor specialist, I very quickly was validated in both my pain and my diagnosis. At my very first appointment my PT said, “you have got one wonky pelvis my dear!” This was indeed the case, especially after my fall, yet I still questioned it all. 

I had many diagnositic injections, including 2 rounds of SI joint injections, which is the gold standard in diagnosising SIJD. Both times they provided 4 DAYS of nearly 100% pain relief, when all the others, in various other joints and nerves in my lower spine, did nothing. Yet as soon as the short term lidocaine would wear of, I would begin to question the almost dream like pain relief I had had. I felt like it couldn’t be real. 

As soon as I started researching different surgical options (there are several, read up!), the doubt came flooding in. Which was the right choice? What doctor’s could I find to actually take me seriously and do it? Would insurance pay? You can go back and read old posts answering all those questions. And then again came the is this all in your head? 

And now, as I countdown the days until surgery, the doubt is still giving me trouble. However, with each time I question my pain, where it’s coming, or if it’s all in my head, I’m overcome with peace quicker, and easier than the time before. The same is true as far as surgery goes. I’m not going to lie, I’m still very nervous and afraid, but the peace inside of me is slowly drowning out that nagging voice of doubt. That, and each time I feel the stabbing pang on my bum, I feel like God is reassuring me, “Lauren, this is not all in your head. Let’s fix it!” 


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